As a researcher, teacher and counselor, I’ve seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and natural power in the most sensible people. It’s important to tell the difference between lust and love. Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the very basic urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection–you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be–rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.
In one of my recent local classes, I discussed the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy–it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.
SIGNS OF LUST
You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.
You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
You are lovers, but not friends.
SIGNS OF LOVE
You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.
He or she motivates you to be a better person.
You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.
Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn’t easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it’s essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you’re attracted to someone. This needn’t pull the plug on passion, but it’ll make you more aware so you don’t go looking for trouble.
Watch for:
A little voice in your gut says “danger” or “beware.”
You have a sense of unhappiness, discomfort, or feeling drained after you’re together.
Your attraction feels destructive or dark.
You’re uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but you’re afraid that if you mention it, you’ll push him or her away.
The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many of the ladies who’d been in abusive relationships admitted, “My gut initially told me something was wrong–but I ignored it.” The pattern was consistent. They’d say, “I’d meet a man. At first he’d be charming, tall and sexy. The electricity between us was amazing. I’d write off the voice in my gut that said ‘you better watch out’ as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked.” Some gut instincts though, are anything but hard to notice.
It’s so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you’re not always guarding against a basic feeling of doubt or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, “This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy.” To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.